hard advice

I know your outcome
and it's not worth your wait.
I know your outcome
and I know that you hate
the thought that I could be right,
but I know
that you know
that I have put others
in the same situation
that you are now in
and that outcome
was the same outcome
that I am now telling you
will also happen to you
if you don't listen and accept
that I know the outcome
and it's not worth your wait.
I know your outcome
and I know that you hate
that you know that I'm right

directed

I asked God what he wants from me
but I should really ask me what I want from me

inside walls

I'm awake for no reason
wanting to talk with nothing real to say
and the comfort of air to direct it all

I often feel confused about life and about love:
when I let my mind take me into places that are not real,
and then not confused at all:
accepting everything for what it is... everyone for who they are
and nothing more.

specialities

You asked me why I shared with you
and you answered it correctly for yourself.
You're special in more ways than one.

...for the things I tell you
and the lack of restraint I am allowed to exercise
by way of the comfort created in your presence

...by the things I share with you
some of them sacred and treasured
that I would not have shared with another in your position

...by virtue of what I let you do
how willingly I allow you to affect me
and the life of those around me

...through your unique way of expressing everything,
and the way you give, and give,
and give of yourself, mostly unselfishly

I love the way we share as friends,
and I want our openness and transparency to continue
not just between each other but between us and others as well

You are special, too special
to have our relationship compromised
by being given half of something that should only be given whole.

fine lines

On days like this
it will flow through my mind
that we would have spent
all or part of the day
together,
guaranteed.
I would then come to the conclusion
that I miss you...
but is it really you I miss,
or the attention you gave?

reshuffle

I made a decision
for a life of exclusion
that I said would have been only for a time.

Each had their own rules,
some more strict than others
some more beneficial than others

Though separation is painful
One is working as was intended
and will remain unchanged for now

For another, finding balance is harder
fighting for one thing pushes us farther
in a direction that is often muddled and hazed

And then the last works better for one
and for the other, not at all
a selfish pendulum that swung hard and lost its ball

For the latter two, more tweaking is required
One maybe needs to lose something and the other, gain
A balance that is all my own to acquire and maintain.

sadly resolved

I feel myself slowly returning to normal, the balance set back in the right proportions.

I would be lying if I said I haven't looked back at this entire situation with a little bit of sadness. There were so many ways it all could have turned out, so many paths we all could have taken. I suppose all of them would have come with their own bit of sadness, but this one hit far simply because of the history and the irony.

I ask God sometimes if this is what He wants, or if my perception of the resolution is really the right one indeed? I don't know His answer. I haven't heard it. I will try and trust He knows what He is doing, or better said: that I am actually doing what He wants.

We'll see.

The fun part about life is that it really is unpredictable. I hope I remember those words the next time it hits me with something I did not see coming.

be still and know

Do I take the path of least resistance even when I should not? Or is that nagging feeling I get inside really something bigger than myself leading me in a direction that I should follow?

I broke my silence.

I broke it because it consumed me more to keep it. It started to feel like the negative emotion of malice even though it was not. It started to take away emotion and energy to sustain it and cause my mind to drift into division mode.... into separate and conquer mode.

I needed to rid myself of the negative stigma my mind created.
And I did, in one swift motion.

I am now convinced that the nagging feeling inside is a 'voice' to be followed, and that it knows me better than I know myself.

I am also convinced that it favours no one external stimuli, and is only concerned about restoring peace in me.

cost benefit

We pay a price for letting people in
... the value of one day having to shut them out.

bars

I have never known another place like this one
to forcefully drag and drain all emotions on the floor
for all to see, discuss and wade through.

I have never been in such a close knit community of people
who affect each other so deeply... tearing down and building up
all by virtue of their duration of close proximity

do we really want to go where everybody knows our name?
or maybe we wish our name was all they knew...

the path to a void

I asked you not to go this route
because it is not me
I did not want to live fake

I asked you not to go this route
and I understand the need you have
but it feels too much like pretending to not exist

I asked you not to go this route
because it feels like opposing sides of a match
where team members are hand picked and expected to defend

I asked you not to go this route
because it disrupts more than it heals
and divides more than ourselves

circular irony

So much more to write more blank pages
So much left to feel and not feel
So much time spent trying to forget time spent
So much trust used not trusting
So much love wasted forgetting how to love

protection

How long can I hide you and lock you away?
Until you have found favour with the darkness and there wish to stay.

balanced extremist

I hate this pendulum swing
I hate this stupid silence

I love the nothingness to swing
I love the calm that it brings

I hate this part pretension
I hate this forced purging

I love this separation
I love the eventual healing

I hate that I am calloused
I hate that I still feel something

I love that there's something to feel
I love that I am calloused

I hate being weak
I hate being strong

I love that I have to accept my choices
even if they are wrong

change over

I anticipate:
long discussions in a circular direction
boredom or energy loss as a result of the team
an exciting start with all, that wanes terribly at the end with few
many a raised eyebrow, disappointments and silent disagreements
a lack of enthusiasm on my part when all are called together...

If I start by anticipating the worst, will I force it to come to pass?
Or will it be that by setting my expectations low to the floor
I will either have them met or get more than I bargained for?

do and feel

If you do the right thing
and do it grudgingly
is it really the right thing?
The actions may show it,
but the heart doesn't support it.

But what if you do the right thing
and do it grudgingly
but in the end, you accept it
as the best decision made
and are genuinely happy that you did...
heart and actions in sync.
Is it all made right again?

joy times three

The year begins again,
a great milestone for a friend
who has been a rock in my life,
a solid fortress during times of strife.
I cherish every moment we've shared,
each of them showing how much she cared,
some spent in sorrow, some in pain,
some pulling me inside from the rain,
some in sheer joy, laughter and excitement
some reminiscing the time we spent.

Regardless of what we've done in the past
the thing I cherish most is knowing it will last
through these present days and those beyond
like the many decades that have already gone

Happy Milestone First Lady C!

separated

stranded again
begging again
paying again
dependent again

but
blessed again
that this is temporary

that thing that you call love

The love that I know love to be
is supposedly one expressed unselfishly,
yet it burns you to see
a life where you are not with me.
You gladly accept the plan
for me to separate myself from everyone:
my friends in which I confide and trust,
along with you and your love... or maybe your lust.

Is that thing for me that you call love, really love at all?

two sides too many

I don't know where your head space is
I don't know where your heart really lies
I only know what you tell me
but I don't know what you tell her.

I feel like most of the time you play both sides
setting us up against each other
even without meaning to or knowing it
because you just didn't realize that the good you see in us
could ever turn to bad directed towards each other

...but somehow we let our insecurities get the best of us
and put blocks where they did not need to be
straining a friendship for no good reasons

over you

Why is it that save for the faithful few, I may find men easier to befriend, easier to forgive, easier to share with after a strain, than some women?

The feeling of competition is sometimes the one flaw that can eat away at the honest core of a once solid friendship.

and they're off...

the games have begun
to see who can hold out the longest
who can hide the most from whom
who can pique the other's curiosity to explosion
who can become the best actor ever
and hide everything behind the hardest of faces and attitudes
all the while singing that this is for the best
out of love for the other

habitual

I was driving along and my lips moved
they always move when I talk to myself alone in my car
only, I was not alone

little misses

I've bucked up on something I now miss...

being able to vent off an entire week on a Friday night event with someone who genuinely wanted to hear about it.

Give and take.

bondage

I knew getting into debt was a bad idea.

Now, when I want to leave,
I am stuck
because I can't afford to leave.

Freedom for a price....
a price of freedom.

rehearsed

This would be hard for me
if I did not already get practice removing you from my life
a thousand times before

thanks but...

With all due respect

I don't wish to know.

follow di leada

I realize that my discomfort and maybe even resentment for being followed is more than I used to acknowledge. I believe it is selfishness on my part, but it exists nonetheless.

I feel as if someone took my desires, my hobbies, my career passion and made them their own. Borrowed them, and turned them into their desires and passions, and then convinced others that it resided there, with them, first. I saw it in so many things, some that I eventually pulled away from, just because I felt like I was followed. I remember the sheer surprise at finding out the interest that (suddenly) appeared for the same things as me, when I did not see that interest there before I got into them.

Maybe I inflate myself more than it is worth, and dream up things that are not there. Maybe these decisions had absolutely nothing to do with me. If that be the case, then maybe we are just very similar... too similar... a similarity that drives me to become more different.

good student

I was accused of being jaded,
of being cold and emotionless...

I would tell him the truth to his face
though he would say it cut to his heart
I would listen with smirks
though his eyes filled with tears
I would shake my head at the irony
and find the whole thing fascinating
though he would be pouring himself out...

I suppose he was right,
his accusations true and fair...
but he made me this way,
and he knows it.

passing on

I get impatient.

I get impatient when I've learned a life lesson and try to pass that lesson on, but it seems to fall on deaf ears, stubborn minds, and unchanged hearts.

I get impatient with the people I expect more from.

But then I have to realize that I did not learn that life lesson by being told about it. I too was stubborn. I learned it by experiencing it... and maybe... just maybe... that is the best and only way for it to be passed on.

group dynamics

When you spend a considerable amount of time with a large group of people, bonds will form.

We are human, and this is natural.

It is so natural in fact, that bonds will form with many different people in many different ways and there is guaranteed to be some overlapping between the persons. Cliques and soul-mates, partners and trios, friends and romances... all are possible.

It would seem highly naive in such a setting to believe that the deep and secure bond that you form with someone, cannot be also formed between that someone and someone else. It is usually our emotions that get the best of us when we find ourselves in these situations. Logic would dictate that such a scenario is unavoidable and should be expected, while emotion feeds us the destructive lie that it is unique and special to us alone.

In order to survive the reality that group dynamics throws in our faces, we must first learn to manage the false expectations that our emotions create.

seclusion

I sought you
I yearned for you
I begged and pleaded for you
and then I realized
in order to have you
I had to make you.

follow-up

There comes a time when simply words alone will not suffice to make the difference. We may talk about a situation to frustration's peak, but until and unless there are actions, nothing will change.

released

I have found a release that is sweeter than peace. Who could have known that it could be found through a painful step of separation.

I hold resentment... shallow... for being forced to miss something I love, something I was looking forward to from before it was planned. Something I helped to plan. My second of these in six months... my second three-day long disappointment... and then having to hear the tales of excitement upon the ending of it.

I hold resentment... shallow... for being forced to leave someone I love to be around, someone I look forward to seeing even when there is no plan to see. Someone I help and who helps me, through the drudgery and excitement of the days.

But in place of all that shallow resentment, I hold a relief... deep... deeper than deep.

A relief that allows me to quickly overcome the resentment I feel, and be happy at the cutting of the nooses tied around our necks... all our necks.

We hate to be ruled by other people, and their thoughts and feelings, but this world is filled with other people, and their thoughts and feelings, and we cannot escape them unless we escape our own thoughts and feelings.... and if we did... what life would that be.