high

Your voice carries,
carries me far away
lifting my spirit with it
as it slides from your lips to the air
and disappear in the distance.

I float like a feather
carried by the wind above the trees,
glancing down,
but unafraid of the height,
instead, happy
to be untouchable
by all that lay below it.

companion

Nothing specific I wish to say,
no request I want to make,
no favour I wish to ask
but to simply be in your presence.

frustration is...

being so close, and yet so far away.

advanced destruction

who are you
to judge people
by your standards...
who are you
to tell them
they aren't happy
just the way they are?

we force everyone into modern thinking,
changing the world into a man-made haven
when it was perfect...
-------------------just the way it was.

ungrateful confessions

You're great at what you do,
we don't doubt it for a second.
Our shortcoming lies in the fact
that we often take it for granted
that you already know.

Your humility is endearing,
one of your greatest attributes,
and dictates your need for encouragement,
but we often forget to give it.

Don't take our criticisms
as a sign of a job poorly done,
instead realize we know
the magnitude of your talent,
we have simply failed to remember
that stars still need support to shine.

form of fear

It is part of the human nature.

The second you stand to lose something,
is the very second you understand its worth,
and the time you are willing to fight for it the most.

with painted wings

A simple understanding of friendship,
friendship strong enough to overcome
through years, distance, silence.

I'm not afraid anymore...

not afraid to lose you,
not afraid you'll lose yourself,
not afraid you'll forget the person you were,
the people who love you,
the place you came from.

I’m not afraid to let you go
and watch you soar.

x-ray

If you feed it
that little dark spot in your heart
can grow and fester
into that black hole
you never knew you had.

his name applied to mine

a face, a shell
stuck in one position
a smile with a hollow space behind.
words, a recording
that pours forth through the air
and echoes in the spaces... empty.

behind the visible,
remnants of anger, bitterness,
resentment and disgust...

changed only by the grace
of an ever-forgiving God
slowly converting all emotions
into the completeness of love
gently filling the hollow and cracking the shell
of counterfeit into genuine sincerity.

blank slate

The interesting thing about meeting new people is the renewed opportunity to build a character in that person's eyes.

The true test lies when the novelty wears off.

silent alarm

I saw a friend tonight...
full of energy and a passion for life
determined to be true to himself
no matter what others thought,
a high level of intelligence
neatly stashed under genuine humility
that came across as downright silly and jovial,
someone people loved being around...

But this time he was stripped of something.
Something I once admired in him was missing.
A mix with a different crowd, an influence strong,
compelled him to change the person he once was
to suit the mold and fit right in... to nowhere.
I saw a friend tonight...
a friend in trouble.

connected

Communication.
We need it like air,
we crave it like food,
but why?

silenced by time

You sit there, and I can't get enough of you. We speak for hours covering any topic no matter how trivial or seriously important. There is so much to say, and so little time to say it. Each conversation spills into the day after, and the day after that.

And yet, there sits another. One once close, who now, without effort or malice, words have simply run out. Nothing is said, because there is nothing to say.

freedom song

Tonight, your voice made me cry...
that strong voice of a fellow countryman
singing the hope of a nation in pain,
the touching voice of longing for freedom
of a people not yet redeemed from themselves,
the loving voice of a friend.

grateful

It's amazing how what seems like a lifetime can go by in a few short years, how strangers can become the best of friends, and best friends can become strangers. A full circle of knowing each other all over again.

It's comforting that through the stabs of pain and the peels of laughter, there are the few faces that will never leave my memory, simply because they have never left my present.

Thank you.

detached

It is a simple thing that calls my name ever so gently, pulling my fingers to its delicate but sturdy handle. Part of me longs to see those little feathers of black raining to the ground, to feel the freedom of their release.

A simple thing that calls my name... those scissors.

broken window

Scream it out!

In every place
the conflict's the same.
A crack in the wall
pours in light
but tiny openings
are too slight for
peeping eyes
to pull it all
into the mind.

Everything's closer
through the glass,
but disrupted,
the illusion fades.
The distance remains
difficult to see,
impossible to reach
through the cracked wall
from either side.

fall

Scenes of my life cascade from my memory like coloured leaves drifting from on high to form beautiful piles of past on the ground.

parallel

She took the lead

We loved our first time. We fell our first time. We made the call our first time.

She kept the lead

We lasted long. We made memories. We didn't like the end. We called it off.

I took the lead

We were torn between two. We made a decision. We took a chance with one. We maintained a bond with the other.

I kept the lead

We loved a little harder. We hurt a lot more. We were robed in dishonesty. We lost trust in others. We stood alone.

She took the lead

paired

When I was a young girl, there were two loves in my life. Music and dancing. I was unable then to build on both, and successfully developed only one. My passion for dance blossomed with each creative lesson and performace. My love for music never faded. My dream was realized later in life. Both have become permanent pieces of me, each piece different from the other.

As a young lady, there were added two more loves to my life. I was able to build on one, uninhibited. It became impossible however to build on both. The other blossomed with time. Both managed to become permanent pieces of me, each piece different from the other.

twenty-seven

If life begins at forty, it definitely comes with interesting foreplay.

piano fingers

There is something deeply sensual and captivating about the way fingers glide gently, and pound firmly on the rustic keys of an old piano that still sings sweetly despite its age;

about the way the player, layered in full black from head to toe, loses himself in his music and closes his eyes in acceptance;

about the music itself… every note intertwined, causing my innermost longing to be reflected through tearing eyes.

limbo

It’s figuring out the direction to face
that’s more difficult than anything else.

when a kettle sings

As the first beam
of light replaces darkness,
kissing the early morning dew,
I stir and wake and think of you,
my warm cup of smiles
rising with the steam,
sitting on a four-legged table
inviting four legs
to release their weight
on four-legged chairs...
relaxed backs, soft voices,
an exchange of dreams,
thoughts, laughter...
a friend close enough
to live in harmony,
far enough to speak
a separate language,
yet warm enough
to feel right at home
in a square room,
the world passing slowly
outside glass windows,
while inside fills
with sweet aroma
and sweeter memories...

belonging

A roller coaster:
sometimes up,
sometimes down,
sometimes gliding sideways
with the wind hitting my face.

I was surrounded by them,
a part of them,
until they separated
and moved in opposite directions.

Now I stand on the sides,
occasionally passing
through the middle,
but belonging to none.


'Sometimes you want to go
where everybody knows your name...'

content

It's amazing how a little time with close friends can turn a good day into a great day!

paint it blank

I want to write, but there are no words to express how I feel. Silence is inadequate, music makes it worse, and words... words just fail me.

I want to write, but my mind won't unwind enough to tell my fingers what to say. It's a confused mess that refuses to sort itself out, even for the page.

I want to write to ease my confusion, to identify what I feel, to express them to my favourite silent listener, my closest release.

I want to write it away... but it just refuses to be made alive with words.

fallen

It seems disappointment is the theme today.

The most shocking part is
that I never expected
such a simple little thing
to disappoint me so greatly.

right here

This feels familiar,
this spot right here,
this place I wished to forget,
this area that reminds me
that my memory is often unkind.

This feels too familiar,
this pulling between two,
this sticking to the middle,
this choosing not to choose
that leaves me stuck... nowhere.

This feels too unfamiliar,
this nomadic behaviour,
this strange air covering
this once familiar place
that now forms strangers out of friends.

rejoining

This is a picture I did not take of two people emerging from different halls meeting at a corner, both stopping dead in their tracks to stare at the other, mouths agape... three years of separation and changes communicated in identical images of surprise and joy.

wake up

Whether we think we need it or not,
it's always best
to get a flaming bullet of truth
to jolt us out of our fantasy
and get our feet firmly planted in reality.

multilateral

Not many people understand you,
and not many people like you.
They think I should remove you from me.
I can't say I understand you fully myself,
but I can say that I
am not the me they know without you.
For better or for worse
you complete me,
you are me.

clothe me

I stand before you
attempting
to hide myself from your piercing eyes
that know me sometimes better than I know myself

I stand before you
longing
for this transparency to fog and fade,
to shroud me in a mist that clouds me from you

I stand before you
naked
asking you to clothe me.

choices

they shape our today,
paint our yesterdays,
and determine our tomorrows;

can create agony when done in haste,
is agony personified when dragged for too long,
but can be perfect peace when done wisely;

ruptures anxiety when the consequences
are heavier than I care to manage;
but is a necessary evil that none can escape

for to choose not to choose is a choice in itself.

steam

You can tell how much people bottle inside
by how much they explode if you just lift the lid a little.

mosquito madness

Zinging and slinging past my ear,
seeping the calm right out of my soul.
A conspiracy.
Flashing and clapping hands
to beat to a pulp nothing
but the skin of the beater;
a room filled with smoke of a destroyer,
destroying only human lungs,
choking the life out of them,
as those little rascals continue
to zing and sling past my ear.

mother me

I'm not ready to be tied here,
to take the responsibility of you.
I never planned it,
and I don't want it.
It is unfair for you
to ask me to bear it.
Please don't expect me
to drop my life for you...
It is selfish, I admit,
but I am, after all, not your mother.

trails

I used to follow You,
walked with You once,
we briefly stepped side by side,
but then I walked ahead.
I caught up with someone else,
He and I walked side by side,
but I fell back
and He walked ahead.
Now we all trail each other:
You me, and I He,
and even She,
trailing You.
Maybe one may stop
and finally turn around,
maybe we'll just keep walking
till we reach a side
or finally change direction.

kalooki

sideways glances
sarcastic phrases
smiling faces
steady paces...

room filled with laughter
radiating from a centre
of a messy circle
filled with relaxed hands
neatly laying cards on the carpet floor

forward paces
familiar faces
facetious phrases
friendly glances...

it sure is good to be home.

liar liar

I trusted you completely once,
I did what you told me
never once believing you would
lead me astray one day.
You lived on the edge
and finally jumped,
and I followed blindly.

But now I see
you are just as blind as me.
Your voice I hear
but do not obey,
unless on the path of reason you fall,
for you love to love,
no matter who or what,
and I just can't trust you anymore.

Sorry little heart,
you need a chaperone of the mind.

re-entry

I was so excited to get to see you.
I had been waiting for it for a long time,
but now that the time is here
my excitement is not the same.

So much has changed for each of us,
so much has changed between us.
I am not the same girl you once knew,
and you no longer match my mind's picture of you.

I don't expect things to ever be the same,
I don't expect my old feelings to return,
but I do know that no matter what happens
I will always love you, my country, my heritage.

dance with me

Hold my hand,
take the lead,
pull me close,
sway with me.

Hear the band
rock the beat,
feel the air,
move your feet.

Glide as one,
hand in mine,
face to cheek,
smile with me.

See my eyes,
wild and free,
say no words,
speak to me.

miss lou

Mi jus lov wi daialek,
cyaa tap chat i so til.
Aal ina puos mi a yuus i,
an a ungl siek a yuu...
yu mek wi proud a wa wi bi
an fi dat, tenky Mis Lou.

(Read in English)

The Honorable Louise Bennett-Coverly
Famous Jamaican Poet & Queen of Theatre
Sep. 7, 1919 - July 26, 2006

stir crazy

a cold dark space
huddled in a corner
hands around feet
face buried in knees
a cry for help
goes unheeded
though everyone looks
no one sees
the loneliness
leads to steady draining
of a mind already marred
slowly going crazy
all alone

parallel

laax, mi tayad a yu.
mi no waan si no muor a yu.
mi tayad a tink bout yu.
mi ed a at mi siek a yu.
dis gwe fram mi man,
mi sik a si yu...

(sigh)

(kiss teet)

now com ya so,
mek mi diil wid yu.

ventilation

when I bottle you inside,
ignore you
pretend you don't affect me,
you don't go away...
immediately.
Instead, you fill me
to breaking point,
I crack with the pressure,
release steam,
rest you off,
shake you down,
and start all over,
hoping that one day
you will go away...
permanently.

aftermath

the bird begins to quietly sing
as the weights are removed
and feeling returns to her wings

fatigued

Too strained to think another thought,
too drained to write another word,
too pained to read another line,
it's just too late to concentrate.

breakdown

Sometimes life is overwhelming enough to overflow the driest eyes.

mind games

you set the board,
know the rules,
think far ahead
anticipating the moves,
you read your enemies
find their weaknesses,
play your part
and pull them down
beneath you.

with little effort
you tire soon,
the challenge ends
you change the rules,
swap the players,
start anew,
continuing till
there's no one else
above you.

that poker face
you hide behind,
becomes the mask
of the void inside.
the prize you gain,
your own pedestal.
but its just not worth it
at the top
of a lonely game
with no one else
beside you

strength in weakness

She moves very slowly, her eyes shut with deep frustration and strain from fighting as hard as she can. Her time is running out. So is her strength. The current sweeping her is powerful. She must fight her way to the shore soon, or she will certainly drown trying.

It is only once she surrenders that she will finally realize the current has strength enough to get her to shore much faster.

aroma

Do you smell that?

the comfort of the rain,
gentleness of fresh sheets,
newness of a baby...

the tenderness of clean skin,
pleasing uniqueness of a friend,
or greenery with early morning dew...

Do you smell them?

the memories breathed inside
that fill the spaces, and display on faces...
the powerful triggers that lay waiting
in one simple subtle scent.

return to my right

I greatly missed
the long forsaken
comfort zone
on my right

that place where
my dreams are released
instantly as I fall in deep
on my right

I touched down gently
and pleasantly realized
‘tis no longer forbidden
on my right

great relief
of finally catching
such beautiful sleep
on my right

with age

Often it takes a little time
to appreciate what's right in front of our eyes.

fire·work·out

Shots of fire on the outside
shouts of music on the in,
feet in motion, sky ablaze,
body drenched in sweat,
night filled with light,
heart pumping overtime,
air pounding under pressure,
weary muscles out of shape
flexing and fixing to a beat,
sparkled lights forming shapes
bursting and brightening in the heat.

my butterfly

I try to withhold,
but I just cannot.
I need you
the way you need me.
Denial of this passion
is futile.

I say I cannot give you my time,
yet it drags slowly without you.
My desire for you builds,
stealing my mind away,
wasting the time I hold so dear.

So, this is me,
admitting it openly,
setting my butterfly free,
letting go of my love
with words.

eject

It's not easy
letting myself go...
throwing my insides out.

itching

There's a constant tingle,
a tiny need for attention
that pulls me towards it,
and every once in a while
I lose focus and give in to the desire
only to find I have suffered for it.

on my right

I am gently moved
and am gradually pulled
to that comfort zone
on my right

that place where
my dreams are released
instantly as I fall in deep
on my right

I touch down smoothly
and am suddenly reminded
that it is all forbidden
on my right

little frustrations
of greatly missing
such beautiful sleep
on my right

excision

piece removed,
something replaced
controlled pain
mirror reflecting
unrecognisable image,
slow adjustments
snail-pace movements
deep breaths
I am fine

emancipation of clouds

There's something beautiful about the rain,
drops falling into puddles,
twinkling like the night sky in fast forward,
and yet, seeming to slow time to a pause
long enough to remember
there is beauty in everything
if you just look.

windows to you

the eyes,
scenes of your soul
depth poured out through the hole
that pulls me to the you with·in
the eyes

darkness for day

be·neath my eye·lids
na·ture sus·pend·ed in place
I am beau·ti·ful

memories

I just can’t remove that image from my head:
Of a bright summer garden in the sunshine,
an old broken bench perched in a corner,
upon it two people staring, eyes in smiles,
the book they were reading while cuddled together
sitting in the blades of grass beneath their feet;

Of a group pealing laughter and stamping feet
and the girl beside them trying to keep her head
in her book, her mind on work, and herself together,
instead too captivated by the group’s constant shine
but also by the boy causing their smiles,
so she joins them in their jesting corner;

Of a chapel next to a garden’s corner
where a group of friends lay, resting their feet,
their antics leading to laughter and smiles
when one lets adrenaline go to his head
and falls face down in his attempt to shine
erupting the laughter that brought them together;

Of two young girls, their heads together
whispering and smiling in the class corner
staring at a boy, their faces flushed and shine
from blushing, as they look to their feet
to avoid him as he turns his head
in their attempt to conceal their smiles;

Of a boy and a girl bursting in smiles
as they ride their bikes in the wind together,
the boy trying not to be too far ahead
‘til they get to a field in the valley’s corner
and leave their bikes and walk with bare feet
on the dusty ground in the summer sunshine;

Of two friends watching the sun trying to shine
over the horizon, the waves crashing in smiles
on the shore, wetting the sand beneath their feet
as they sit on a towel and talk together
lost in the beauty of their private corner
celebrating the return of a year from tail to head;

Of all the others that shine and blend together,
the smiles of memories from the mind’s corner,
where images fall like feathers from head to feet.

avalanche

the more you withhold
the more you distance
the more I search
the more I discover
the more I realize
the little I know you
the more I hurt
the more I expect less
the more I distance
the more you search
the more you discover
the more you realize
the little you know me

for love of johnny

In this ever-changing small world
seasons come and go
wild is the wind,
and evergreen the trees...
I met someone who
is just as wild and changing
who moved me with a certain smile
or made me misty from a single glance

Wonderful. Wonderful is the feeling
that a true love story could unfold
another with whom to hold
'til the twelfth of never...
but never came too soon
little reward for the risk,
a time for us didn't really exist

We tried, didn't we...
and almost got it right
but almost is not enough
to turn our night to day
and chances are our chance has past
and we'll never meet again...
but then...
it's not for me to say

cleansing

I love long hot showers
perfect
...for washing
the troubles out of my hair
the pain from my face
the anxiety from my mind
...for watching them all
flow like tears
down the drain

blast from the past

It's the little things
that make a friendship unique from the start.
Those special moments become memories
that never leave your heart.
Those tiny little gestures of love
that trickle through,
make me sit and reminisce
of all we used to do...

Things like kickin' back and lymin'
seem like such a luxury,
for when we're far apart it's total misery.
But though we may not see nor hear
each others cries and joys,
due to the fast expanse of space
that exists between our shores,
we're still connected to each other
just as we were before,
and sometimes I think
it's brought us closer even more.

I still miss that joker smile
that used to bright my day,
and those expressive eyebrows
in their funny little way,
but its not goodbye
even though we're far apart,
because you've got a permanent spot
right here within my heart.
And though some things may change
there are few things that will never,
like the love and laughter we share
as best friends... forever.

[23 Feb 1998 - Dedicated to Carla T.]
Happy Birthday Chica!

just won't drink

It can’t be forced or ‘guilted into’;
can’t be convinced to do by logical thought;
can’t be persuaded by screams or cries;
and most definitely cannot be bought;

can’t be coerced by cute gestures;
can’t be made alive through daytime thoughts;
can’t be owed to you because you cared,
and invested your time, emotion, and calls.

All you can do is be what you long for,
but realize that even this does not guarantee,
because you can’t make a friend be a friend to you,
and that’s just life, and it doesn’t always rhyme.

lifetime in a year

"length is meaningless; depth is everything"
-A.M.B

happy birthday to a healthy friendship

tender

a soft, familiar voice;
a simple written word;
an unexpected reminder
that you are lovingly remembered,
can move a mountain of soul.

weakness resurfaced

I rest in that difficult place
between options and conviction,
the throwing around of ideas
in constant circles, forming
endless knotting in my stomach.

as good as your word

It is better not to have vowed
to keep yourself pure,
to unite with someone till death,
to be loyal to spouse or country,
than to make that promise
and then break it.

Before God and all mankind
I pledge the love and loyalty of my heart,
the wisdom and courage of my mind,
the strength and vigour of my body
in the service of my fellow citizens.

I promise to stand up for justice, brotherhood and peace,
to work diligently and creatively,
to think generously and honestly,
so that Jamaica may, under God,
increase in beauty, fellowship and prosperity,
and play her part in advancing the welfare
of the whole human race.

(The National Pledge of Jamaica)

whirlwind

my head pounds.
too many thoughts by night,
too much mental sleep by day.
drained by the strain
of an exhausting last stretch,
of numbers swirling into letters,
of making little sense of either.

full

I lose myself inside my head
and am completely unaware,
until I realize I have not heard
a word of what you just said.

vociferation

when the pressure builds in a silent space
I'm amazed at the comfort I feel
from the simple release
of my voice at high decibels

double trouble

when will you learn?

the actions you do
wayward as they are,
are forgivable at best
if you step up and 'fess
as soon as the deed
has been done!

the longer you wait
the double the crime
for as the time ticks
the one becomes two:
the very act itself,
and trust crushed by you
keeping it hidden away
for so long...

when will you learn?!

silent voices

It is not that I want to exclude you...
bot mi kyaa tek yu evalaastin nagin,
ningi ningi ina mi ies
sidong said a mi a chat bout
hebri han heni ting kom yu main
an hekspek mi fi a tap wa mi a du
fi tun roun lisn tu yu!

It's not that I dislike you...
bot yu de de a nuf nuf ina
hebribodi bizniz an a kyari hit kom yaso
laik se mi beg yu fi a boda boda
mi suol kias wid yu wuklis chati chati
bout oda piipl pikni. yu si mi kieta?
aal mi a hignuor yu, yu nu get di int
fi a lef mi aluon?

It's not that I don't want to talk to you..
bot... bot tap! yu stil de ya?
yu ed tik laik...

delicate exchange

The beauty of notes
weightlessly, gently,
and powerfully floats in,
while the tenderness of tears
softly, smoothly,
and effortlessly flows out.

foolish games

Be wary
of attention seekers,
secret keepers,
ego boosters

unable to give
continuously
of themselves,
completely, honestly,
and selflessly

...the essence
of that very love
whose name they
mock so openly

but in actuality are
completely incapable
of expressing.

adrenaline for my soul

my face, worn and tired
lights up when I see
your name on my screen,
hear your voice in my ear

those around me can tell it is you
from the smiles on my face,
laughter in the air,
dialect in my speech

the comfort I exude brings
the whole room alive with
vibrant conversation from both
sides, neither overpowering the other

our expectations of each other
met in just the right quantity
keep our relationship alive
and shining with purity

I cherish our daily updates,
countless jokes, soft-spoken
seriousness, and earnest interest,
and will miss you deeply when I am gone.

beautiful surprise

just a little motivation,
a smile, a time set aside,
a blank spot that needs filling,
an encouraging word, an expectation,
a colourful touch of expression,
some creativity, and a heavy dose
of confidence from a friend who believes
you are better than you think you are.

extended enclosure

the ræven cannot survive in a cage,
trapped inside with glass walls,
forever yearning for the outside,
seeing it, but unable to reach it...

she becomes restless, unproductive,
depressed, even crazy... banging against the glass,
flying low in constant circles,
instead of soaring high in the wind and sun.

behind my eyes

"We don’t get to see ourselves intimately for much of our lives"
- A.M.B.

comfortable with me,
with my image of me:
expressions, voice,
laugh, song, smiles,
from the inside
looking out.

often surprised to see
that my image of me
is not always the same;
my comfort slightly changed,
from the outside
looking in.

multiplied

He called me and I finally answered.
It took me a while, but I got there.
I never knew I could feel such joy,
didn't think anything could compare.

He called you and you finally answered.
It took you a while, but you got there.
The joy I knew was nothing in comparison.
It only gets better from here.

word for word

I could not express this better if I tried...

The Holy Bible must have been
Inspired of God and not of men.
I could not if I would, believe
That good men wrote it to deceive,
And bad men could not if they would,
And surely would not if they could
Proceed to write a book so good.
And certainly no crazy man
Could e'er conceive its wondrous plan.
And pray, what other kinds of men
Than do these three groups comprehend?
Hence it must be that God inspired
The Word which souls of prophets fired.

(It Must Be From God - Author Unknown)

song for a season

Our relationship has grown with the years.
Through times of separation and rejoining,
we’ve managed to make it survive… no, fly.

Since that day of cries and tears,
there are songs for each rejoicing.
We’re quite a pair, she and I.

The Best Of Trip Soundtrack:

Are You That Somebody (Aaliyah)/
Ghetto Superstar (Mya, ODB, Pras Michel) - Summer 1998
Perfect Man (Destiny's Child) - Summer 2000
Gotta Get Thru This (Daniel Beddingfield)- May 2002
White Flag (Dido)/
My Immortal (Evanescence) - Spring 2004
Turn Me On (Kevin Lyttle) - June 2004
It’s A Pity (Tanya Stephens) - August 2004
We soon remember - Dec 2004
Numb Remix (Linkin' Park & Jay-Z) - May 2005
Purify Me (India Arie) - Oct 2005
One Wish (Ray J) - Dec 2005
So Sick (Ne-Yo) – Jan 2006

the band i loved

gripping air

It’s not you I hold on to
It’s the emotion you bring,
The heart’s swelling joy,
and agonizing longing;
the expectation of choices
made that will include
consideration of feelings for two;
the knowledge that with each
second passing in absence
anxiety erupts at mere
thoughts of my presence.

It isn’t you I hold on to
‘tis the passion you invoke;
extremes of blissful and wistful,
endless quarrelling leaving me soaked
in anger, disgusted to speak or even see a face,
tired and almost drained of God’s grace;
the thought that its better to have bittersweet,
to know intense feelings of love, though I grieve.

It is not you I hold on to
It is disappointment that replaced
deep love for a friend who just walked away,
the remnant pieces of a careless heart
with vague shadows of a union in its path,
interactions of people no longer existing
except in a mind set back in time;
the reality of having none take the fall,
none other but me for holding on at all.

near perfect hearts

You long to talk to me.
You’re genuinely interested in the details of my life.
You love me for my picky, sensitive, indecisive, crazy personality.
You hurt with my tears, and smile with mine.
You lift my heart when no one else can.
You never make me feel less than I am.
You forgive my insensitivity and stupidity
and never reward them with hurtful words.

Thank you.
Thank you for genuinely loving me,
For people in my life that are a part of you,
that love me like you do,
thank you Lord.

egg shells

The egg hatched.
The shell was hard and thick,
and inside lay something new and soft.

Time passed. The shell got beaten.
It became weaker and thinner,
and the inside harder.

The shell became brittle.
Beating needed not be harsh
for the shell to crack.
The inside is hard, but not hard enough.

Soon the shell will break,
the inside will be completely hardened,
and the broken pieces won’t matter.

hindsight

soaring along, content, excited, motivated, anticipating. you pass through a cloud, but keep on soaring, a little wet, but content just the same.

but something's wrong. it's too good to be true. you remember. you can't fly.

with that, you start to fall. frantically, you reach for anything you can to break the fall. there's something gliding. you're not sure what, but it's in control, and you're not, so you grab it. It pulls you along. you feel relieved. saved.

you're not going in the direction you wanted, but you're going somewhere, and it's not straight down. that's great in itself.

you see the place where your feet can finally touch the ground. you're not quite there yet, but you're very close. then something hits you. you remember something else. in that decisive, frantic moment you had completely forgotten that strapped to your back was a parachute.

relativity

The gymnast, the diver, the dancer, the player, the loner, the writer, the talker, the listener, the leader, the comic

~~~~

one experiences antisocial, withdrawn, concealed, introverted, blocked

one knows leadership, dominance, dedication, energy, high-spirits, responsibility

one hears talkative, jocular, sarcastic, witty, insulting, jovial, raucous

one knows silent, attentive, absorbed, serious, argumentative, opinionated, defensive

one sees artistic, expressive, theatrical, passionate, musical, flexible, athletic, strong, synchronous, content

one knows calm, insecurity, tears, anger, devotion, forgiveness, renewal, solemnity

one experiences dependence, dedication, trust, communication, responsibility, openness, composure

one knows them all

which one are you?

reunion

Flying for miles.
Gathered, in part.
No longer whole.
Some in spirit only.
Familiarity runs
through all faces.
One purpose,
to say goodbye to those
who started it all.

cutting away at the sides

Grandad's death brought the total to two in two days. A close family friend went earlier.

An aunt, having exceedingly powerful and shocking intuition, felt something coming. She had been dreaming her deceased brothers, mother, and sister all week. As odd as it sounds, there was relief that the death she sensed was somewhat expected.

Then the news: grandaunt died this morning. Aunt Pearl. Mom's aunt.

Should have known better. The dreams contained Watsons and Kellys. Mom's side. Grandad is Lovindeer. Dad's dad.

If deaths come in the threes, can I finally bury my fear of another phone call? Don’t know if I can take much more of this.

grand-orphaned

Kenneth Lovindeer Sr.

July 3, 1921 - January 9, 2006

re: aching inside

Inside is filled with many pieces.
Some fit well together,
some do not fit well with the others at all.
All are important, though sadly, not equally so.

However the absence of just one, any one,
causes a pain not quenched by any other.
The space left is unique to the one that holds it,
and only that one can fill it.

notyaboo

You are not my sugar,
ackee in my saltfish,
curry in my chicken,
or beef in my patty.

The significance of you
in my life is small,
and in most instances
does not exist at all.

So don’t call me sweetheart,
Sugar plum, darling, deary,
Ma, boo, honey, princess, or babe.

You don’t get my kisses,
Won’t have me as your Mrs.
My eyes are not your haven,
You do not own this raeven.

So next time you wish
to have my attention,
please keep your greeting plain
and simply just use my name.

breaking the habit

There’s a rhythm inside me,
a clock whose haywire pace is set,
the ticking of which spurs my movements
to fall back in step with old, routine ways.

The pace is hard to change,
but change I must.

anorexic

…Choosing to survive rather than to live.

The body is capable of life on the minimum, but it is incomprehensible why someone would deny a healthy life of meat, flesh and muscle and instead embrace life resembling death: skin stretched tight over nothing but bone.

I call it relationship anorexia: a marriage, family, friendship capable of survival on the bare minimum, and at least one involved party lacking the effort to make it fly. It instead crawls along close to death, surviving rather than thriving.

A life of good health is a choice that most are willing to make. But what good is it to have a healthy life and then starve the interactions that make that life worthwhile.

shattered

vague information.
selfish protection of self
deceivingly masked as
selfless protection of 'you'.

‘none of your business’.
‘who are you to ask?’
‘you won't understand’
‘some things are better left unsaid.’

finally an answer.
a volcano of a statement,
guilt and truth erupted,
dark dishonest burns

trust: a freedom lost
for many, for all, with one.
only one exception – own instinct.
a high price paid.

An honest and open friend
is the only friend worth having,
worth keeping.