debt

I am a bit of a miser and have (through no effort of my own) managed to be debt-free for quite a long time in my life. That has changed, simply because this life doesn't allow for it and not because I prefer life that way. I'm managing my debt and find that as long as I am on top of things, I don't get anxious about it.

Lately I realized that financial debt is not the only debt I try to escape. If there are files on my desk, they need to get off, and the more files come, the faster I move to get rid of them. The feeling I get when I owe someone something is transferred no matter what that something ends up being, whether it's work, money or my time. And the same feeling of satisfaction comes when I get the job done. Hmm, no wonder I work best under high work volume.

Personality connections are fascinating :)

traveller

I realize that the times when I leave my house and don't see it for days, where I change to go to the next event from the clothes in my car, when the next hour is unplanned but ends up being a great time anyway, is when I feel the most at home.

a wink and a wiggle

I miss the days when I used to wake up in the morning and all the cares from the previous day were purged away by the break of sleep. Whether I remembered what took place or not, the feelings attached to them, especially the hard and heavy ones, were always magically wiped clean, leaving an open slate for filling each and every day.

I loved that.

I just realized that the only difference between then and now is that my grown-up mind insists on holding on to reality during the night instead of letting the magic work.

Maybe I can fall asleep right now and start over :)

hmmmm
double desire!
sleep & magic...
what a heavenly combination!

ten.ten.five

my tongue sometimes has a mind of its own
my eyes can communicate at times, louder than my lips
my brain appears to be ambidextrous... er, or ambi-brenu-ous(?)
my most prominent sense is that of humour
insanity runs deep in the veins of my family
so does laughing from the belly-bottom up and out
I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve, they are often tattooed to my face
a single scent can transport me far away from my body
my muscles will ache for want of kneading
my joints will ache for want of warmth

my scalp has become sensitive and so I'm protective of it
the same with my heart
my neck was kissed by God and has a hickey to prove it
my eyes love to see themselves
my face, not so much
my fingers have a thing for other fingers
I thoroughly enjoy human pillows
my mind likes to see its thoughts worded on a screen or page
my earlobes like earrings but prefer to remain whole and free for nibbling
my lips enjoy blowing into fleshy parts, mimicking gastric noises

my mood swings to extremes, my emotions ride roller coasters
and some times we all thoroughly enjoy the ride
my feet enjoy walking bare on cold grass and warm backs
my voice rides on strong decibels unequal to my stature
my heart and mind often wrestle for decision rights

tag. your turn.

excite createment

I would say I am a bit of an excitement junkie. Whatever form it takes, I need it in my life. Too much of the same lows bore me and I'll need something to change, something to get my adrenaline pumping.

Fortunately for me, I get excited over the least little things. Planned excitement has its place, but I find that practically any amount of spontaneity is enough to feed my craving.

Right now... I think I'll go for a jog oooooo or a swim! :)

solitude

I find that when I'm filled with certain types of emotions I prefer not to speak about what I'm feeling, or rather, I prefer not to be asked to speak about what I'm feeling or about anything pertaining to what got me emotional in the first place. I'll speak, when I'm ready, which is usually not when someone else is ready to ask, and since I seem to wear my emotion all over me, I can't seem to avoid the questioning... so I end up avoiding the curious.

transforming traits

Give me already made
but used to exhaustion
ready to be tossed
ready to be changed

give me crushed,
banged and bruised
messy and dirty
disheveled and untidy

give me an expensive project
with limited resources & chaos

and I may take it and mold it
reshape it and build it
organize it, straighten it
fix it and rearrange it

watch me get all excited
about making it efficient
presentable, enjoyable,
functional and beautiful

I'll fall in love with finding a solution
using my creativity and getting order.

It's a trait that I have
an odd passion I possess
that makes me love strange activities
like making art out of mundane things
redesigning an existing interior
cleaning up a long-messed space
straightening the crushes in clothes
using over-played music to create a new story
pulling a new audience experience out of an old one
doing a major project with minimal material
and seeing great potential in what others may consider garbage

disclaimer: this applies to mostly physical things and not the madness of someone's mind for example, so no, work does not apply.

too good

I can't remember when I gave a label to this thing in my life, but I remember I labelled it because it occurred too many times to not have a name. I called it...

too-good-to-be-true syndrome [too-good-tuh-bee-troo sin-drohm]
-noun

1. a characteristic of feeling that something will never happen because it seems like too much of a good thing;
2. a characteristic of feeling that a situation will not happen, or become cursed, or invoke Murphy's Law by virtue of there being a high level of excitement or anticipation for or toward it;
3. a situation or circumstance in which all other aspects are good but which is sabotaged by (typically) one very important factor that cannot be ignored;
4. a situation, circumstance, or option in which all other aspects are good but for which the timing has rendered it too complicated or unavailable.

my heart strings

I'm in love.

I have been for a while now. It's an amazing feeling that has been topped by no other that came before or after it so far. Sometimes I wonder if such a deep love is a good thing.... if it's blasphemy for me to have such a strong love for something that is not God incarnate... and then I remember, God gave me this gift, both the one to love and the object of my love. So I feel free to sour in the many magical moments that occur as I indulge in my sincere love for music.

give and get

How far does true forgiveness go?

I'll admit that I think I am a little blessed in the area of forgiveness. Over the years I have been more and more accepting of the fact that people fail... that I fail... all the time. More often than not, all I need is a little time and all is made well. The most amazing part, and this I owe completely to God, is that when I finally choose to forgive I am able to do it almost completely. But now I wonder...

It is often said that forgiving means forgetting, but forgetting means potentially making the same mistake again. We often tend to forgive but to say that we are 'learning from the experience' which is code for 'I forgive you, but I'm not trusting you in that area again'. In our minds, it is a necessary part of logical self-preservation... but is it really forgiveness?

You stole my pen and broke it. I forgive you, but I'm hiding my pens from now on...
You stole my heart and broke it. I forgive you, but I'm hiding my heart from now on...

A friend shared a quote with me yesterday and I immediately loved every word of it, believing it to be true. But later I realized that for anyone to have the experience that it speaks of, they would have had to truly, honestly forgive... forgive it all... wipe the slate clean, restore the trust and allow the forgiven the room to do it again the right way... even if the forgiven is thyself.

“Break a vase, and the love that reassembles the fragments is stronger than that love which took its symmetry for granted when it was whole.”
- Derek Walcott

the love story

The longer I stay on the this earth the more I am convinced that love is a choice. Maybe not consciously when we have that initial spark of attraction, but definitely the perpetuation of it. I have had feelings of what I regard as intense love be replaced with something weaker because of a re-conditioning of my mind. I have also had feelings of love for a situation or person that was created in my mind but did not exist in actuality. If I can do that, then I can love practically anyone. The reality of the situation simply is that I don't want to.

There are certain characteristics that draw me, and I respond in like manner by dwelling on them. I think that what happens when I see these traits coming out in someone is a sparking of my mind to tell the rest of me that I love this experience. I love it, and I want more of it. And the more I indulge myself in the presence of the traits I love, the more I embody and thus love the person from which the traits flow. Now I may be the one who chooses the traits, but what I can't choose is who will have them.

Whose characteristics have you chosen to love? Can you love them all?

green grass syndrome

Time makes everything green again.

You could have been having the worst time in the world, anxious to get away from all the stresses and bothers, and yet. Sure, there are things you will miss, but everything just weighs down on you and you just can't wait to leave. Oh to get to that green pasture on the other side of your mind. The freedoms and joys that await you there are endless. The excitement of something new. A new day. A new dawn. Or a return to something you just can't wait to be back to.

We are actually very unkind to ourselves when we filter our thoughts or our memories and keep the good parts. It's something people tell us to do all the time. Forget the bad, remember the good in people, in places, in things. But when we do that, we create a false reality in our heads of something that was better than it really was when we were experiencing it. And that can be dangerous when we end up longing for that memory.

Now there are legitimate times when things were better than they are now, and it wasn't just a figment of your imagination, but the point is that every situation has stress. I am number one for living in any time and place but the present. Unless I am outright having a great time, my mind either rewinds or fast forwards until it hits some green. But I'm slowly yanking myself out of that false reality syndrome so that I can finally condition myself to appreciate everything rather than constantly switching my mind to another time zone.

Brown is the new green.

categorically speaking

I put people into boxes
because I find they are safe there.

Yes I have an independent front,
most of us do.
But I'm dependent
on quite a number of people
for quite a number of things
and my emotional compass
is better able to navigate
with categories.

I have a best friend,
that speaks for itself.
I have a close circle
with various people
on various spots
in the concentric rings
around the centre

and then there is the periphery.

It's hard to say
that no one person
is more important than the other
because distance from the source
is often inversely proportional
to potential energy...
the potential to create trust
and thus to create loss
that drives the fear
of pulling more
into the middle.

you,
sitting there reading this
are in a category...
and your distance from the source
is determined by my interpretation
of your ability to handle that potential energy.

down the middle

I belong to October, the month with the balance. I feel right at home in the curve of its metal scale, but my scale is only in balance because I hang at two extremes.

You're either here or you're not, me there or I'm not, it's either fair or it's not, ice cold or steam hot. I don't do half.

It's either all or it's none, interest high or it's gone, working hard or I'm done, clothed in misery or in fun. I don't do middle.

Yet there it is, kept in perfect form by equally heavy ends on either side.

the force

I willed it
I forced it
I changed it

If I did it once
I can do it again

I can control my mood.

May the force be with you.
Happy Friday!

overkill

I'm indecisive and I know it
Ask me a question and I'll show it...
make it heavy and emotional,
but where either choice may be rational
and then sit back and watch.

I'll give you the obvious answer,
the expected one that comes faster
and then I'll sit and deliberate
and realize my choice is changing fate
and all of a sudden it holds more weight.

Then I stop.

I take a step back and consider
the outcome of another answer
and more often times than not
I will give it way too much thought
and confuse my mind further.

Long after everyone else is done
considering, answering and moving on
I am still left pondering this and that
still going over all the facts
wondering which is best

Truthfully though
most times I know
But feel I could be missing out
if I always go with the expected route,
and so I ponder on.

passions pursued

Ink on a page, words on a screen,
my thoughts expressed in prose:
just something I discovered I'm good at,
a nurtured talent I suppose...

chalk on paper, paint on canvas
graphite-formed images, flowing yet still:
this was present from the very beginning,
a passion I possess, and always will...

movement to music, synchronized motion,
open floor calling like a flower beckons a bee:
creative development in early child stages
helped to mold this desire in me...

notation on a page made alive with sound,
the melodic movement of harmony to ear:
an instrument loved and played quite late,
two others, not yet mastered, but almost there...

a world beneath the surface;
muffled sounds, air lost, vision vast and wide:
a breathtaking beauty that hijacked my heart
and saw my career path change with the tide...

an instant frozen on glossy paper,
a new perspective, creativity on the fly:
spurred from a desire to capture a moment,
or have someone else see through my eye...

my passions all seem to be geared toward art,
and I have a knack for things with my hands,
for beading, and sewing, and painting, and drawing,
for sorting, and molding, and playing with bands...
and yet in the sciences I seem to excel;
in logic puzzles and numbers an interest stands.
I'm a crazy mix of colour and reason,
like a canvas made of diverse strands.

ambition

I have realized that my life is in a constant state of hope.

My mind refuses to focus on the things happening this instant, and instead chooses to constantly look beyond to the second whose fate has not yet been determined.

I am the most excited when I allow it to run far ahead of me, but I often have to hold it back for the sake of actually getting things accomplished.

no more what?

drama.

this thing used to plague my life and I thought I hated every minute of it.

all this emotional upheaval and ongoing trials...

but without any of these I would not know the major successes;
the emotional extremes that are so much a part of who I am;
the relief and release of things working out... or not working out.

truth is
without drama
my life
would be
boring.

bring it on.

masked

A disappointment.

Many remedies tried and failed;
A problem perpetuated; a
Search for a cure or a cover, but
Knowledge of none yet successful.

Frustration felt within, that
Overrides hope; a portion of
Radiance starting to fade.

A struggle

Facing forever in a flawed shell,
A constant distraction from that beneath, a
Continuous struggle with an
External reflection.