hard advice

I know your outcome
and it's not worth your wait.
I know your outcome
and I know that you hate
the thought that I could be right,
but I know
that you know
that I have put others
in the same situation
that you are now in
and that outcome
was the same outcome
that I am now telling you
will also happen to you
if you don't listen and accept
that I know the outcome
and it's not worth your wait.
I know your outcome
and I know that you hate
that you know that I'm right

directed

I asked God what he wants from me
but I should really ask me what I want from me

inside walls

I'm awake for no reason
wanting to talk with nothing real to say
and the comfort of air to direct it all

I often feel confused about life and about love:
when I let my mind take me into places that are not real,
and then not confused at all:
accepting everything for what it is... everyone for who they are
and nothing more.

specialities

You asked me why I shared with you
and you answered it correctly for yourself.
You're special in more ways than one.

...for the things I tell you
and the lack of restraint I am allowed to exercise
by way of the comfort created in your presence

...by the things I share with you
some of them sacred and treasured
that I would not have shared with another in your position

...by virtue of what I let you do
how willingly I allow you to affect me
and the life of those around me

...through your unique way of expressing everything,
and the way you give, and give,
and give of yourself, mostly unselfishly

I love the way we share as friends,
and I want our openness and transparency to continue
not just between each other but between us and others as well

You are special, too special
to have our relationship compromised
by being given half of something that should only be given whole.

fine lines

On days like this
it will flow through my mind
that we would have spent
all or part of the day
together,
guaranteed.
I would then come to the conclusion
that I miss you...
but is it really you I miss,
or the attention you gave?

reshuffle

I made a decision
for a life of exclusion
that I said would have been only for a time.

Each had their own rules,
some more strict than others
some more beneficial than others

Though separation is painful
One is working as was intended
and will remain unchanged for now

For another, finding balance is harder
fighting for one thing pushes us farther
in a direction that is often muddled and hazed

And then the last works better for one
and for the other, not at all
a selfish pendulum that swung hard and lost its ball

For the latter two, more tweaking is required
One maybe needs to lose something and the other, gain
A balance that is all my own to acquire and maintain.

sadly resolved

I feel myself slowly returning to normal, the balance set back in the right proportions.

I would be lying if I said I haven't looked back at this entire situation with a little bit of sadness. There were so many ways it all could have turned out, so many paths we all could have taken. I suppose all of them would have come with their own bit of sadness, but this one hit far simply because of the history and the irony.

I ask God sometimes if this is what He wants, or if my perception of the resolution is really the right one indeed? I don't know His answer. I haven't heard it. I will try and trust He knows what He is doing, or better said: that I am actually doing what He wants.

We'll see.

The fun part about life is that it really is unpredictable. I hope I remember those words the next time it hits me with something I did not see coming.

be still and know

Do I take the path of least resistance even when I should not? Or is that nagging feeling I get inside really something bigger than myself leading me in a direction that I should follow?

I broke my silence.

I broke it because it consumed me more to keep it. It started to feel like the negative emotion of malice even though it was not. It started to take away emotion and energy to sustain it and cause my mind to drift into division mode.... into separate and conquer mode.

I needed to rid myself of the negative stigma my mind created.
And I did, in one swift motion.

I am now convinced that the nagging feeling inside is a 'voice' to be followed, and that it knows me better than I know myself.

I am also convinced that it favours no one external stimuli, and is only concerned about restoring peace in me.

cost benefit

We pay a price for letting people in
... the value of one day having to shut them out.

bars

I have never known another place like this one
to forcefully drag and drain all emotions on the floor
for all to see, discuss and wade through.

I have never been in such a close knit community of people
who affect each other so deeply... tearing down and building up
all by virtue of their duration of close proximity

do we really want to go where everybody knows our name?
or maybe we wish our name was all they knew...