simple truth

I amuse myself.

gone

I want to leave here and go to the beach. I don't want anyone to come with me. I want to put on dive gear and go in the sea. I want the water to block out the world above. I want to hear nothing but my breathing through the reg. I want to see nothing but the blue beneath. I want to think of nothing but that before me. Then I want to surface to a deserted beach, and sleep and bake in the sun.

and then

I want to sit down tonight with just one other person and eat a good slow meal and drink a glass of sweet warm wine. I want the place filled with people in hushed tones, but I want to know none of them save the person in front of me. I don't care if the person is male or female, I just want to be completely comfortable around them. I want the night to be slow and long. I want it to be peaceful.

spinnin' right roun'

First you do the wrong thing
then you regret that
then you do the right thing
then you regret that too.

I've had friends who tell me point blank that if they did something that could hurt someone if they found out, they would correct their action but not bother to confess it. They'll just fix it. I had a serious problem with that. I viewed it as being a hypocrite... living a lie. They viewed it as preservation of the other person. Why put them through unnecessary pain and heartache just to clear your own conscience? Couldn't that be construed as selfishness too?

Damned if you do.
Damned if you don't.

Best way around it... 'trai yu bes no bok yu tuo pan no rok an drop'.

the force

I willed it
I forced it
I changed it

If I did it once
I can do it again

I can control my mood.

May the force be with you.
Happy Friday!

confined

That feeling you get
when you're in a small space
and there's someone else
there with you.
Not a stranger,
but not really a friend,
just someone.
You don't want to stare.
You don't want to ignore.
You don't know what you should do.
You become conscious of the nothingness,
then you become conscious of everything else.
Air thickens between you
until relief comes rushing in
with the opening of the doors.

wise words

In the throws of deep conversation with a friend, he said something truly brilliant that I felt compelled to share.

"Don't create cliffs that aren't there,
lest you create bridges you don't need"
~Mark Hylton

overkill

I'm indecisive and I know it
Ask me a question and I'll show it...
make it heavy and emotional,
but where either choice may be rational
and then sit back and watch.

I'll give you the obvious answer,
the expected one that comes faster
and then I'll sit and deliberate
and realize my choice is changing fate
and all of a sudden it holds more weight.

Then I stop.

I take a step back and consider
the outcome of another answer
and more often times than not
I will give it way too much thought
and confuse my mind further.

Long after everyone else is done
considering, answering and moving on
I am still left pondering this and that
still going over all the facts
wondering which is best

Truthfully though
most times I know
But feel I could be missing out
if I always go with the expected route,
and so I ponder on.

resolved

I made a resolution
that I thought would be bold
but in actuality
would make me more cold.
Is this what I want,
to feel less and less?
would that make my life better,
would it give me less stress?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I need to find the balance
between my two extremes
of constantly swinging feelings,
each bursting at the seams.
They seem to be somehow
connected to you,
my internal eruptions
respond to what you do.
So since you seem to make
my feelings more intense,
the first thing I need to change
is this emotional dependence.

Still closed for repair

enough

Just when you need it,
someone says something
truly relevant.

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye."

May you have just enough for 2008.

cycled

I get complacent
I relax too much
I let my wall crumble
I let thoughts enter
I forget myself
I act stupidly
I hit the bottom
I enlarge my regret
I get slapped into shape
I rebuild my wall
I harden it