bondage

I knew getting into debt was a bad idea.

Now, when I want to leave,
I am stuck
because I can't afford to leave.

Freedom for a price....
a price of freedom.

rehearsed

This would be hard for me
if I did not already get practice removing you from my life
a thousand times before

thanks but...

With all due respect

I don't wish to know.

follow di leada

I realize that my discomfort and maybe even resentment for being followed is more than I used to acknowledge. I believe it is selfishness on my part, but it exists nonetheless.

I feel as if someone took my desires, my hobbies, my career passion and made them their own. Borrowed them, and turned them into their desires and passions, and then convinced others that it resided there, with them, first. I saw it in so many things, some that I eventually pulled away from, just because I felt like I was followed. I remember the sheer surprise at finding out the interest that (suddenly) appeared for the same things as me, when I did not see that interest there before I got into them.

Maybe I inflate myself more than it is worth, and dream up things that are not there. Maybe these decisions had absolutely nothing to do with me. If that be the case, then maybe we are just very similar... too similar... a similarity that drives me to become more different.

good student

I was accused of being jaded,
of being cold and emotionless...

I would tell him the truth to his face
though he would say it cut to his heart
I would listen with smirks
though his eyes filled with tears
I would shake my head at the irony
and find the whole thing fascinating
though he would be pouring himself out...

I suppose he was right,
his accusations true and fair...
but he made me this way,
and he knows it.

passing on

I get impatient.

I get impatient when I've learned a life lesson and try to pass that lesson on, but it seems to fall on deaf ears, stubborn minds, and unchanged hearts.

I get impatient with the people I expect more from.

But then I have to realize that I did not learn that life lesson by being told about it. I too was stubborn. I learned it by experiencing it... and maybe... just maybe... that is the best and only way for it to be passed on.

group dynamics

When you spend a considerable amount of time with a large group of people, bonds will form.

We are human, and this is natural.

It is so natural in fact, that bonds will form with many different people in many different ways and there is guaranteed to be some overlapping between the persons. Cliques and soul-mates, partners and trios, friends and romances... all are possible.

It would seem highly naive in such a setting to believe that the deep and secure bond that you form with someone, cannot be also formed between that someone and someone else. It is usually our emotions that get the best of us when we find ourselves in these situations. Logic would dictate that such a scenario is unavoidable and should be expected, while emotion feeds us the destructive lie that it is unique and special to us alone.

In order to survive the reality that group dynamics throws in our faces, we must first learn to manage the false expectations that our emotions create.

seclusion

I sought you
I yearned for you
I begged and pleaded for you
and then I realized
in order to have you
I had to make you.

follow-up

There comes a time when simply words alone will not suffice to make the difference. We may talk about a situation to frustration's peak, but until and unless there are actions, nothing will change.

released

I have found a release that is sweeter than peace. Who could have known that it could be found through a painful step of separation.

I hold resentment... shallow... for being forced to miss something I love, something I was looking forward to from before it was planned. Something I helped to plan. My second of these in six months... my second three-day long disappointment... and then having to hear the tales of excitement upon the ending of it.

I hold resentment... shallow... for being forced to leave someone I love to be around, someone I look forward to seeing even when there is no plan to see. Someone I help and who helps me, through the drudgery and excitement of the days.

But in place of all that shallow resentment, I hold a relief... deep... deeper than deep.

A relief that allows me to quickly overcome the resentment I feel, and be happy at the cutting of the nooses tied around our necks... all our necks.

We hate to be ruled by other people, and their thoughts and feelings, but this world is filled with other people, and their thoughts and feelings, and we cannot escape them unless we escape our own thoughts and feelings.... and if we did... what life would that be.