twenty five days

There's a pain on the inside
eating away at my protection
causing my blood to run cold
and my skin to be on the defensive.

I shiver and shudder
and grasp for relief,
while the pain continues
with little sign of reprieve.

chemical coma commencing...

am I?

"If we are uncritical, we shall always find what we want: we shall look for, and find, confirmations; and we shall look away from, and not see, whatever might be dangerous to our pet theories."

- Karl Popper

fight or flight

I want out.
I just don't think I can take much more of this.
The logical and emotional roller coaster,
the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I thought I could wait the sentence out,
another couple years to go to freedom,
but passively waiting is killing my spirit...
a much more dangerous death than my pocket.

verdict

guilty
of being in love.
sentenced
to a lifetime of disappointment.

consequence of light

There are days when I believe that every negative emotion in my body is fighting it's way to the spotlight. As if it needs to compensate for a positive run or great days by beating down every good thing remaining until all showing through my eyes are anger, frustration, and disappointment at the world and everything in it.

sand and sea

When I say we are intimate
I mean we have shared our worlds
our lives, our hearts and minds
with each other.

When I say we are intimate
It is less about how I touch,
and more about how I tell
the deepest and darkest,
the shallowest and lightest of me.

When I say we are intimate
I speak of our privacy
and our comfort and shelter,
our shared secrets and personalities
cozily and sometimes uncomfortably
blending ourselves

When I say we are intimate
I refer to our handling of each other
with care, compassion, and love
even through anger and disappointment
hardships and heartache...
a knowledge that there will always be a time
of sincere release of energy, good or bad.

When I say we are intimate
I mean that our exchange
is constant and on-going,
never fully ceasing
through distance and time;
that our contact remains,
through our varied use of words
and even far beyond them.

growing to die

They say you start as a baby
and grow into an adult
with time and experience
on the journey of faith...
But I find I am running the race
in the wrong direction.

When I started, I trusted.
I trusted with my whole heart
and had the strongest of faith
in love, and life, and God, and hope
and with time and knowledge
and self-interests and arrogance
and disappointments and failures
and disconnected triumphs
and age and stage and fear
many of these
have diminished in their strength.

I am reminded of the God-inspired words
that encourage us to have faith
like the faith of a child.
Oh what great power we possessed
in our innocence and our youth.
It's like our spirit was the most alive
when it was devoid of earthly knowledge,
and the more we packed that knowledge in...
the knowledge of deceit and greed and lust
and flawed human logic and corruption
and cursing and death and hate...
was the more we killed our very selves.

confessions

For too long
and too often
I lie
to myself

aid

I'm a little lazy when it comes to my health.
I will notice something,
but if it's not an immediate bother
it doesn't receive immediate attention.
The problem with this is obvious...
the longer I take to pay attention
the more attention it seeks until it cannot be ignored.
Then, instead of one doctor's visit,
an entire therapy session is required.

sketching

I'll make a list
of all the things
I have in mind
that needs acquiring
to do that job
I have in heart...
the other job,
the one that needs
no payment at all
for me to enjoy
every second of it.

I'll make a list
of all the elements
of that job
that need accomplishing
and set some goals
of funds and time
and plan
the acquisition thereof
to get the ideas
out of my head
and into the world.

I'll make a list
of all the emotions
I experience
throughout
the planning
and execution
and top
that list
with excitement!