worship

I decided to sleep in that morning. I knew there would be speculation and possibly even judgment passed on my decision, but I didn't care. God and I were fighting, and I was not about to go into a room filled with people whose expectations of what my demeanor should be way exceeded what they would have witnessed. I didn't want to put on a game face. I abhor the very fact that I would feel compelled to do it in a place where putting on a show should be the last thing on my mind.

What I needed was time alone with God. I needed to talk to Him real and raw, and I needed to do it on my terms.

That conversation is far from over.

interface

A friend and I sat in a low lit parking area talking for what seemed like a few minutes but what was in reality very many hours. A deep release of inner thought and feeling that felt afterward like a river had broken through a rock resulting in a beautifully cascading waterfall. The time was draining and fulfilling all at once. These sessions are always perfect for releasing energy, clearing the spirit, and clarifying the air. No resolution was found. No resolution was being sought. It was simply a time of sharing, and a deepening of understanding.

fuse

there are times when just the right type of affection is able to disarm the explosive lion waiting to bite the nearest person's head off.

restraining

tonight I wanted you
I wanted you to be more
I wanted you to hear more
I wanted to say more
I wanted you to know more
I wanted to be there more
I wanted to show you more
...but I did not, I could not,
I fought myself more
and won.

solitude

I find that when I'm filled with certain types of emotions I prefer not to speak about what I'm feeling, or rather, I prefer not to be asked to speak about what I'm feeling or about anything pertaining to what got me emotional in the first place. I'll speak, when I'm ready, which is usually not when someone else is ready to ask, and since I seem to wear my emotion all over me, I can't seem to avoid the questioning... so I end up avoiding the curious.

silence

There are times I wished I didn't have to speak words to communicate,
when you would just know what I'm feeling
and know what I need

transforming traits

Give me already made
but used to exhaustion
ready to be tossed
ready to be changed

give me crushed,
banged and bruised
messy and dirty
disheveled and untidy

give me an expensive project
with limited resources & chaos

and I may take it and mold it
reshape it and build it
organize it, straighten it
fix it and rearrange it

watch me get all excited
about making it efficient
presentable, enjoyable,
functional and beautiful

I'll fall in love with finding a solution
using my creativity and getting order.

It's a trait that I have
an odd passion I possess
that makes me love strange activities
like making art out of mundane things
redesigning an existing interior
cleaning up a long-messed space
straightening the crushes in clothes
using over-played music to create a new story
pulling a new audience experience out of an old one
doing a major project with minimal material
and seeing great potential in what others may consider garbage

disclaimer: this applies to mostly physical things and not the madness of someone's mind for example, so no, work does not apply.

music library

There is something very special about carefully selecting and creating my very own collection of mood boosters that set the tone for many hours of traveling.

avalanche

This thing is spiraling out of control and I am powerless to stop it. What was once devoid of any real thing worth fighting for is now rammed full of too many important parts of a large and complicated equation that I can't keep it all straight. Figures, names, dates, places, events, dangers, deadlines bounce around in my head like they were released by tens of jugglers, banging against my temples. Each time I think I'm back in control, something tips the whole hillside tumbling down again.

Vacation anyone?

half full

sitting here in silence, the feeling of you hit, right here, strong, as if you were here, next to me...
this empty space filled instantly with you, memories of you, your sound, your feel, the way you make me feel, your smile, yielding my smile

this filled space, is instantly emptied, expanded, making room for more, refilled and filled again, an appetite insatiable for you, more of you, the joy of you, you overflowing... never-ending