I aspire to be like you
to have more of a heart like you do
But you have a love for me
that I cannot replicate.
I've tried and failed so often thus far
I wanted in this case to give it my all
but Lord, I've lost the strength that you possess
to love a friend enough to keep myself in harm's way.
'Undying love you've given to me
Seen in me things I would never have seen
I don't understand why you care so much, it's all a mystery.
Time and time again I ask myself
What have I done to deserve such wealth?
The price you paid, I could never repay your generosity
In wanting to save me; in order to save the day;
because of love, you placed yourself in harm's way
It's truly beyond me... left without a word to say...
What kind of love would place itself in harm's way?
When I was down you came and lifted me
When I was bound, yes, you set me free
Things that you do make it clear to see it's all a master plan
Oh, no greater love that I've come to know
And when I refuse, you still love me so
With open arms you came and rescued me
And erased all the pain... all the pain
In wanting to save me; in order to save the day;
because of love, you placed yourself in harm's way
It's truly beyond me... left without a word to say...
What kind of love would place itself in harm's way?
What kind of love would place itself and risk your life for love's sake?
What kind of love just takes on all the blame?
(And) it seems to be so easy...
It hurts sometimes but you never let go
You will to love in spite of all you know...
What kind of love would place itself in harm's way?'
-Taken from In Harm's Way by BeBe Winans
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
yo-yo
One minute:
coiled in a hand
wrinkles of laughter
lines of emotion
words of explanation
tranquility of silence
close Next minute:
spinning in the air
wrinkles of confusion
lines of emotion
weight of nothingness
tense silence
distant
wrinkles of laughter
lines of emotion
words of explanation
tranquility of silence
close
wrinkles of confusion
lines of emotion
weight of nothingness
tense silence
distant
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
the friend ship
That friend you have, that you hold so dear
how did the two of you arrive there?
Who was the first friend to whom?
-'First friend to whom' you ask?
-We were both first. It was a joint task.
But I bet if you think about it, that may not be true.
You see, you make friends by being a friend
and, before you both were friends in the end,
it's probably true, that someone was first friend to you.
If that be the case then why do you say
'I will not be friends to you this way
because you are not friend to me.'?
when, if you check the beginning you will see
that friendship stems from one loving unconditionally
and not a give to receive deal or no deal.
So, if you have someone you wish to befriend
don't let the behaviour of them on their end
stop you from being the type of friend you would defend.
how did the two of you arrive there?
Who was the first friend to whom?
-'First friend to whom' you ask?
-We were both first. It was a joint task.
But I bet if you think about it, that may not be true.
You see, you make friends by being a friend
and, before you both were friends in the end,
it's probably true, that someone was first friend to you.
If that be the case then why do you say
'I will not be friends to you this way
because you are not friend to me.'?
when, if you check the beginning you will see
that friendship stems from one loving unconditionally
and not a give to receive deal or no deal.
So, if you have someone you wish to befriend
don't let the behaviour of them on their end
stop you from being the type of friend you would defend.
grasping feelings
The truth. The whole truth. The entire story.
Not just YOUR whole truth. THE whole truth. The bigger picture. The parts you did not even know you did not know. The details you did not request, and possibly, none of the details you want. The parts that maybe do not even include you, that dwarf you. Entire connections from before the beginning, revealed and released, can melt a mountain of rock hard feelings into a pool of understanding. Real understanding. Clear connections of all the dots, not clouded by your judgment cast on the players, but a grasp of the reality that everything stems from something else and no one person holds all blame.
No one person holds all blame. Which means there is no one to blame. No one left to throw all your anger and pain towards. No one left to help you get rid of it but you. Truth comes with consequences, and those consequences lie squarely on your shoulders when you realize you have to deal with your own feelings and stop shelving them on someone else, stop casting blame for the way you feel away from you, instead of directed at you. Consequences that leave you face to face with understanding how your feelings came about, and God forbid, showing compassion to the very persons who before you held accountable for those feelings. Why? Because all the time the story is larger than what you can see. Because you play a role, no matter how in/significant you believe it to be. Because holding hard feelings only makes you heavy, and throwing hard feelings only makes you weak, and because the only way to really rid yourself of them is to break them into smaller, softer pieces and wrap them in understanding the truth. The whole truth. The entire story. The larger picture.
Not just YOUR whole truth. THE whole truth. The bigger picture. The parts you did not even know you did not know. The details you did not request, and possibly, none of the details you want. The parts that maybe do not even include you, that dwarf you. Entire connections from before the beginning, revealed and released, can melt a mountain of rock hard feelings into a pool of understanding. Real understanding. Clear connections of all the dots, not clouded by your judgment cast on the players, but a grasp of the reality that everything stems from something else and no one person holds all blame.
No one person holds all blame. Which means there is no one to blame. No one left to throw all your anger and pain towards. No one left to help you get rid of it but you. Truth comes with consequences, and those consequences lie squarely on your shoulders when you realize you have to deal with your own feelings and stop shelving them on someone else, stop casting blame for the way you feel away from you, instead of directed at you. Consequences that leave you face to face with understanding how your feelings came about, and God forbid, showing compassion to the very persons who before you held accountable for those feelings. Why? Because all the time the story is larger than what you can see. Because you play a role, no matter how in/significant you believe it to be. Because holding hard feelings only makes you heavy, and throwing hard feelings only makes you weak, and because the only way to really rid yourself of them is to break them into smaller, softer pieces and wrap them in understanding the truth. The whole truth. The entire story. The larger picture.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
painful
stand up, sit down, lie down, curl up
no relief
spit it up, gargle it, drink it down
no relief
right side, left side, tummy, back
no relief
crying makes it worse
talking makes it worse
swallowing makes it worse
unconsciousness is my only reprieve
hospital visit pending
no relief
spit it up, gargle it, drink it down
no relief
right side, left side, tummy, back
no relief
crying makes it worse
talking makes it worse
swallowing makes it worse
unconsciousness is my only reprieve
hospital visit pending
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
intimate
arms around bodies
sweet embraces
pull lifetimes of concerns
far from the mind
with each long hold
heads nest in necks
feelings of soft skin
breath
reminders of life
fragile and delicate
fingers interlocked
joint hands understand
lean into each other
for inside support
legs twined together
wrapped journeys
of great distance
covered with comfort
and careful responsibility
of accompanied steps
toes deeply press
battered and beaten
carry weight
back and forth
as light and heavy dances
lips express
wordless motions
silent peace
sincere pain
subdued passions
intense appreciation
honest communication
sweet embraces
pull lifetimes of concerns
far from the mind
with each long hold
heads nest in necks
feelings of soft skin
breath
reminders of life
fragile and delicate
fingers interlocked
joint hands understand
lean into each other
for inside support
legs twined together
wrapped journeys
of great distance
covered with comfort
and careful responsibility
of accompanied steps
toes deeply press
battered and beaten
carry weight
back and forth
as light and heavy dances
lips express
wordless motions
silent peace
sincere pain
subdued passions
intense appreciation
honest communication
dark volcano
There are times when I hate my own thoughts and feelings; times when I feel like I've betrayed myself by expressing them; times when I care deeply about what they may imply; and times when I couldn't care less.
Monday, August 04, 2008
moorlands... a nice camp
It was a week of nothing else but taking in the creation of God: observing his children, in their broken innocence, adulthood creeping into their early teenage years, battling insecurity and independence; fully grown adults sharing their lives, breaking themselves down into teary, painful, happy and sad pieces for young eyes to experience and understand; testimonies of the true acts of God in very different situations with vastly different people, all coming to the same realization of God's love in their lives.
A week of no sadness from being in a job that I do not necessarily like, or thinking about the responsibilities of leadership positions, or how I plan to direct my life to create the most happiness. It was instead a time of remembering how well God can drive if I just let go of the steering and let Him. A week of refreshing commitments to sell off rather than sell out. A time of embracing the 'cross kulcha' that I so freely chose to be a part of.
'Cross kulcha...to di rerl!
Who's the focus? Jesus
Who we followin'? Jesus Christ the King
So as we bounce to dis
Sing and shout these lyrics
Cross Kulcha... dis is a cross kulcha wid Christ
Cross kulcha...to di rerl!'
A week of no sadness from being in a job that I do not necessarily like, or thinking about the responsibilities of leadership positions, or how I plan to direct my life to create the most happiness. It was instead a time of remembering how well God can drive if I just let go of the steering and let Him. A week of refreshing commitments to sell off rather than sell out. A time of embracing the 'cross kulcha' that I so freely chose to be a part of.
'Cross kulcha...to di rerl!
Who's the focus? Jesus
Who we followin'? Jesus Christ the King
So as we bounce to dis
Sing and shout these lyrics
Cross Kulcha... dis is a cross kulcha wid Christ
Cross kulcha...to di rerl!'
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
breaking
rest a while my little friend
take a long-needed rest from your constant journey.
stay a while my little one
in this state of tranquility,
this calming moment of distraction from your curse
as you lay your head on my lap and let the time pass.
stop a while my precious one
and do nothing, absolutely nothing
but listen to rain beat the yearning ground,
and let yourself feel the rise of calm filling your chest
and the gentle exhale of the strain of another day
of penetrating the world to pieces.
take a long-needed rest from your constant journey.
stay a while my little one
in this state of tranquility,
this calming moment of distraction from your curse
as you lay your head on my lap and let the time pass.
stop a while my precious one
and do nothing, absolutely nothing
but listen to rain beat the yearning ground,
and let yourself feel the rise of calm filling your chest
and the gentle exhale of the strain of another day
of penetrating the world to pieces.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
just around the river bend
'should I choose the smoothest course
steady as the beating drum...
or do you still wait for me dream-giver
just around the river bend?'
That fork in the road of which Pocahontas speaks,
are life-changing decisions that are familiar to us all,
along with the thought that there is one who seeks
to lead us to our destiny if we simply reach out and call
And yet, even those who believe in that type of fate
find ourselves stuck on a rock somewhere
wondering how we ended up in this state
how did we meander and find ourselves here?
Following your dreams means knowing what they are
and knowing means there's no shadow of a doubt,
but what if your dreams and hopes take you too far
what if they all blend and none of them stand out?
Then? Then you are left with lots that you like
many paths that could potentially be the one
and you'll be too confused about which match to strike,
which passion to ignite and road to travel on.
And what then if it's only a part that you prefer
what if the details of that passion do not interest you?
Do you still delve deep to better equip yourself and suffer
or merely skim the surface and remain true?
It is simply too complex to live out the phrase
'follow your dreams to the end'
when there are just too many dreams to chase
and only one life to spend.
steady as the beating drum...
or do you still wait for me dream-giver
just around the river bend?'
That fork in the road of which Pocahontas speaks,
are life-changing decisions that are familiar to us all,
along with the thought that there is one who seeks
to lead us to our destiny if we simply reach out and call
And yet, even those who believe in that type of fate
find ourselves stuck on a rock somewhere
wondering how we ended up in this state
how did we meander and find ourselves here?
Following your dreams means knowing what they are
and knowing means there's no shadow of a doubt,
but what if your dreams and hopes take you too far
what if they all blend and none of them stand out?
Then? Then you are left with lots that you like
many paths that could potentially be the one
and you'll be too confused about which match to strike,
which passion to ignite and road to travel on.
And what then if it's only a part that you prefer
what if the details of that passion do not interest you?
Do you still delve deep to better equip yourself and suffer
or merely skim the surface and remain true?
It is simply too complex to live out the phrase
'follow your dreams to the end'
when there are just too many dreams to chase
and only one life to spend.
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