letting go

I don't want to, but I'm being forced.

Forced by the circumstances of the days ahead,
forced by the circumstances of the days behind.

We depended on each other,
even while believing we were acting independently,
and now we all, independently yet collectively,
have found our reasons to slowly walk away.

I am sad. Very sad.
The closing of more than a decade,
the leaving of a very deep passion.

Will I ever be truly gone. No. Not likely.
My physical influence, held in place
by my unconditional love, will always remain.

So here we are, facing the year ahead with one goal in mind:
leave the legacy in good hands.

whats with all the planning?

There's something about concert that I really love. The playing, yes, but also the planning and the final execution. I gave it up this year because I was warned and chastised that it's not possible to lead in both areas, not concert and band at the same time. So I didn't. But whereas I love leading the band, my special spot on the exec is with the finances, and my favourite spot to lead is with the concert. But why?

It is very possible that what I like is event planning in general... but I honestly don't feel the same level of excitement for random events. Planning a show... now that's the good stuff. Any show? Not sure yet. I've done a few church shows, those were fun... but the scale of something like a Panfest... well, can't compare. The product is also so unique, that I just love to work with it. Why not promote the instrument I love to play! It's an awesome combination.

I didn't plan this year. I probably won't get to plan next year either, but we'll see. I do have an opportunity to plan something else for the stage though... and while it initially seemed exciting, I'm also very scared to take it on. There's a big difference between working with a group like a club and working with hired help, and that is the difference between mildly freaking and having a hernia. Am I up for it? Lord knows.

second thought

Time waits for no man,
so maybe I need to stop chasing it
and simply let it leave me behind on occasion.

the beat up

I take a long time to decide things.
I will drag it out for as long as I can to gather as much as I can to help me to decide.
I may even pray that something else forces a decision for me,
and I do all this because I know.
I know I will beat myself up terribly when the choice is all wrong.

the raeven haven

This wall has been the place for me
to write my thoughts, to release them free
it's served me well through many years,
through many smiles, through many tears
and though the ride is not over yet
I must admit I sometimes forget
the wonderful release of this little wall
when I simply grab a phone and call
my fi! [fee]

today and always

screaming
love
at the top
of my lungs

sinking

Music
loud enough
can drown
out
anything
including
life

blocked in

shouting through all the orifices
screaming and squeezing out the relief
I feel stir crazy again
Walls and thoughts closing in on me
I feel like I need to run, to break,
to exert just enough energy to cause the release.
I feel like I need to dance and shout my insides out.

green grass

Nothing to do with the actual grass,
all to do with the colours...
the colours of the eyes
the thoughts of the mind
the appreciation of the present
the acceptance of the future
the beauty of the now
and the release of the could-have-been.
It's all in the eyes...
It's all in the mind...
and if that place where you are not is always greener
maybe green is not your colour.
Try some red instead.

seeds of the mind

She sits at the window till way in the morning
while her mind roams the garden late in the night
talking to her silent friend who waits at the gate
for her fantasies to catch up with her reality