flatscreen of endless depth

I love to write.
I always have.
I clear my mind
and collect my thoughts
in little journals through life.

I still write.

This blog, my favourite.
This glass container of musing
This window into my mind
This platform for sharing some of my best posts.

Thanks, electronic screen and untouchable ink,
for the depth of thoughts you contain and protect.

the reset button

Ever felt like you want to start over?
No, not forget everything, not forget anything.
Just start again...

Not between me and you. Not you and others.
Not you and your family... everyone.
Everyone you've resented; everyone who's hurt you;
everyone who has added turmoil to your life;
everyone that has helped to create that darkness inside;
everyone and everything.
Just start again...lighten your load,
get the freedom of heart you felt as a child,
when life was nothing but hopeful.
Not take away your future pain,
nor take away your current struggles,
just remove the heaviness that's already there...

ever felt that way?

I did... once.

My pain may not be yours or even equal to yours,

my burdens may not have been as heavy,
or maybe were, and more so...
The joy you saw in me when you met me
is a product of the transformation I went through,
and the lack of joy you may see in me now
is the result of years of complacency,
forgetting what was done for me, and letting it pile up again.
But if you want it... that light feeling of burdens lifted
that cause people to burst into tears from the freedom of it all,
If you want it, it will require something from you.

Faith.

Faith in love, and the ultimate source of love.
Faith in a love that makes absolutely no sense,
that I cannot explain or even attempt to explain.
A love that goes deeper than we can imagine,
deeper than we have for our family or friends,
who may hurt us, but who we cannot help but love.
Faith in that love manifested,
that enables us to love like we have been loved:
unconditionally, unexploited, unselfishly, uncontrollably.

It's yours
if you want it.

'If the Son therefore shall make you free, you shall be free indeed.'
John 8:36

safe keeping

My emotions, once raw and warm on my sleeve seem now buried deep inside the thick jacket of protection. I feel like I myself cannot reach them when I need them, leaving only the cold air pocket where they once sat on my sleeve.

stifled

Today is one of those days when I believe I was made for greater things than these walls.

A new world awaits.

strength & darkness

Don't expect great relationships from trying to avoid bad times, expect great relationships from surviving through them.

too much for me

too many files
too many incidents
too many emails
too many folders
too many meetings
too many requests
too many tasks
too little time

too many arguments
too many insecurities
too many sighs
too many flags
too many apologies
too many tears
too many misgivings
too little smiles

too many mishaps
too many calls
too many tickets
too many clients
too many places
too many stops
too many tantrums
too little patience

too many late nights
too many meetings
too many headaches
too many missed meals
too many misunderstandings
too many quarrels
too many pressures
too little fun

too little sleep
too little exercise
too little confidence
too little recreation
too little reassurance
too little bonding
too little ministry
too many negative thoughts

my challenge

Too busy.
Forgive me.
I got problems of my own.
Your help is on the way.

but was I your help all along?

Can the world see...
the love you put inside of me?

If I say I love You,
but they can't see
my words are empty,
they won't see You in me

No more excuses,
I give it all away
because I may be
the only Jesus they see.

[based on The Last Jesus]

faith food

My faith extends beyond my God
to the invisible parts of the visible:
trust, integrity, honestly, goodwill...
the belief that each person is capable of these
and each can contribute positively and equally,
though many may choose not to.

Their choice however does not shake my belief,
and it's the belief that makes me who I am
that feeds the spirit that I am known for
that infuses positive energy...

Fight the belief down,
and you lose more than you may gain.

letting go

I don't want to, but I'm being forced.

Forced by the circumstances of the days ahead,
forced by the circumstances of the days behind.

We depended on each other,
even while believing we were acting independently,
and now we all, independently yet collectively,
have found our reasons to slowly walk away.

I am sad. Very sad.
The closing of more than a decade,
the leaving of a very deep passion.

Will I ever be truly gone. No. Not likely.
My physical influence, held in place
by my unconditional love, will always remain.

So here we are, facing the year ahead with one goal in mind:
leave the legacy in good hands.

whats with all the planning?

There's something about concert that I really love. The playing, yes, but also the planning and the final execution. I gave it up this year because I was warned and chastised that it's not possible to lead in both areas, not concert and band at the same time. So I didn't. But whereas I love leading the band, my special spot on the exec is with the finances, and my favourite spot to lead is with the concert. But why?

It is very possible that what I like is event planning in general... but I honestly don't feel the same level of excitement for random events. Planning a show... now that's the good stuff. Any show? Not sure yet. I've done a few church shows, those were fun... but the scale of something like a Panfest... well, can't compare. The product is also so unique, that I just love to work with it. Why not promote the instrument I love to play! It's an awesome combination.

I didn't plan this year. I probably won't get to plan next year either, but we'll see. I do have an opportunity to plan something else for the stage though... and while it initially seemed exciting, I'm also very scared to take it on. There's a big difference between working with a group like a club and working with hired help, and that is the difference between mildly freaking and having a hernia. Am I up for it? Lord knows.