clouded

How long must I wait
to be able to say that I am proudly doing
what I am already doing right now?

quote of the day

"We would prefer to pierce our lives with sorrow than to give in to our divine Destiny."

- David Pearson

rapid fire

My fingers are unable to keep up with the thoughts blazing in my mind.

lost

Tonight, we tried to salvage that piece of you that you entrusted to me. Our technology betrayed us both and I was left empty... watching that piece of you get erased while being completely powerless to stop it. Disappointment hit. Hard.

We spent the remaining 5 hours ensuring that the little that was left was preserved the best way we knew how. We did our best and are left with half of your work and no more. But it is all we could do.

Now, I am spent emotionally and physically, yet seemingly too spent to cry or sleep.


Thanks a million RM.

a heart that...

the flip side

Be careful to ensure: that your love for an idea or a concept is not keeping you from appreciating the reality you have in your life; that you do not constantly look with eyes clouded by your own expectations, so much so that you miss the beauty that is before you.

tis time

"...I see that Time's the king of men:
He's both their parent,
and he is their grave,
And gives them what he will,
not what they crave."

~William Shakespeare [Pericles]

And oh how true, for many times I have found myself at the mercy of time and timing: 'had I been here a year earlier'; 'had you waited 3 months more'; ''had you not waited so long'; 'had I told you from the beginning'; 'had we acted sooner'... and on and on the laments go as we realize we have been dealt the whims of time's fancy.

Time and fate seem to have their own agenda, and happy is he who rides on the wave of it and catches the right moments at the right times... an art only learnt with time itself.

premonitions

You remember that car ad where the guy places his hand on it and sees endless possibility in his future with the vehicle? Great ad right.

Lately, I feel like I've been having just that type of experience. When I enter certain places or situations I just see endless pictures of possibility flash before my eyes... and it gets me pretty excited!

rings that bind

When asked if I am willing to get married (no, not a proposal, just my feeling on the general idea), my answer is typically yes; that I have already thought long and hard, weighed the pros and cons and have made my general decision about the subject. It's something I am interested in... but why? Here's my personal list.

1. Financial Status: freedom
- two incomes are better than one. This is of course, if each person is contributing to the pool, equally or not.

2. Physical Movement: bondage
- the get-up-and-go (changing countries, jobs, parishes) etc will always require consultation and agreement. It's a part of my personality to be spontaneous, but I see myself having to give some of that up.

3. Emotional Expression: freedom
- as a single person, I'm constantly tempering how I feel about someone. It's a necessary evil that comes with the territory. I'm not going to allow myself to fall hard for someone unless there's a chance of reciprocation. In a marriage, we have already vowed to reciprocate. This means both my feelings and expressions thereof are finally set free to be as deep and far reaching as I want. Yes, there is still the possibility of pain, but for me, a tempered marriage is not even an option.

4. Sexual Expression: freedom
- I'm a struggling Christian trying to maintain my sexual purity. I believe that God intended us to have Big Sex, and therefore, in the context of a marriage, my sexual self can be free to get very big ;)

5. Mixture of Backgrounds: jury still out
- 'si mi an com liv wid mi a tuu difrent ting'. I can't make a general decision on this one for the simple reason that it has to be dependent on the actual person, their background, beliefs and morals and how they clash with mine. I like to think I am open-minded and can handle quite a bit of variation from my own, but mix that with wider family reactions and interactions, and it's not just about us anymore. This one could swing either way: freedom or bondage.

6. Family: bondage
- Depending on the actual family that would then become mine, this bondage may or may not be extremely bearable. However, having any increased expectation is typically bondage. These can vary from how we spend holidays to if and when we are having children... the more integrated the 'rest' of the family is in the marriage, chances are, the more it feels like bondage for me.

So that's 3 freedom:2 bondage and 1 potential to swing either way. The numbers are not weighted evenly either, but without even accounting for that, if the man is right, the answer is yes.

one to the next

I am guilty of living from one to the next;
of wishing and hoping to move from where I stand;
of constantly yearning for change.

It seems though, that when it arrives,
it leaves the satisfaction behind.

It may be possible that change itself is what I am longing for,
and if that be the case, satisfaction cannot possibly be gained.
I must therefore settle on something that gives even the smallest measure of satisfaction, or force it out of where I already am.