premonitions

You remember that car ad where the guy places his hand on it and sees endless possibility in his future with the vehicle? Great ad right.

Lately, I feel like I've been having just that type of experience. When I enter certain places or situations I just see endless pictures of possibility flash before my eyes... and it gets me pretty excited!

rings that bind

When asked if I am willing to get married (no, not a proposal, just my feeling on the general idea), my answer is typically yes; that I have already thought long and hard, weighed the pros and cons and have made my general decision about the subject. It's something I am interested in... but why? Here's my personal list.

1. Financial Status: freedom
- two incomes are better than one. This is of course, if each person is contributing to the pool, equally or not.

2. Physical Movement: bondage
- the get-up-and-go (changing countries, jobs, parishes) etc will always require consultation and agreement. It's a part of my personality to be spontaneous, but I see myself having to give some of that up.

3. Emotional Expression: freedom
- as a single person, I'm constantly tempering how I feel about someone. It's a necessary evil that comes with the territory. I'm not going to allow myself to fall hard for someone unless there's a chance of reciprocation. In a marriage, we have already vowed to reciprocate. This means both my feelings and expressions thereof are finally set free to be as deep and far reaching as I want. Yes, there is still the possibility of pain, but for me, a tempered marriage is not even an option.

4. Sexual Expression: freedom
- I'm a struggling Christian trying to maintain my sexual purity. I believe that God intended us to have Big Sex, and therefore, in the context of a marriage, my sexual self can be free to get very big ;)

5. Mixture of Backgrounds: jury still out
- 'si mi an com liv wid mi a tuu difrent ting'. I can't make a general decision on this one for the simple reason that it has to be dependent on the actual person, their background, beliefs and morals and how they clash with mine. I like to think I am open-minded and can handle quite a bit of variation from my own, but mix that with wider family reactions and interactions, and it's not just about us anymore. This one could swing either way: freedom or bondage.

6. Family: bondage
- Depending on the actual family that would then become mine, this bondage may or may not be extremely bearable. However, having any increased expectation is typically bondage. These can vary from how we spend holidays to if and when we are having children... the more integrated the 'rest' of the family is in the marriage, chances are, the more it feels like bondage for me.

So that's 3 freedom:2 bondage and 1 potential to swing either way. The numbers are not weighted evenly either, but without even accounting for that, if the man is right, the answer is yes.

one to the next

I am guilty of living from one to the next;
of wishing and hoping to move from where I stand;
of constantly yearning for change.

It seems though, that when it arrives,
it leaves the satisfaction behind.

It may be possible that change itself is what I am longing for,
and if that be the case, satisfaction cannot possibly be gained.
I must therefore settle on something that gives even the smallest measure of satisfaction, or force it out of where I already am.

fight or flight part deux

The fuel for the fire that feeds the fight has ignited in a one hour space of enlightenment.

Truths flung hard around table tops from jaded mouths and hopeful mouths, hit a chord. The jaded ones have much to be that way for, the hopeful ones little... yet the latter release just enough hope to provide incentive.

There is purpose here in this life of chaos. And for the first time in near three years inside these walls, I feel as though I have set my eyes on mine.

surgery

extracting the scalpel to commence emotional tie slicing...in 5... 4... 3... 2...

Prescription for Prozium required

twenty five days

There's a pain on the inside
eating away at my protection
causing my blood to run cold
and my skin to be on the defensive.

I shiver and shudder
and grasp for relief,
while the pain continues
with little sign of reprieve.

chemical coma commencing...

am I?

"If we are uncritical, we shall always find what we want: we shall look for, and find, confirmations; and we shall look away from, and not see, whatever might be dangerous to our pet theories."

- Karl Popper

fight or flight

I want out.
I just don't think I can take much more of this.
The logical and emotional roller coaster,
the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I thought I could wait the sentence out,
another couple years to go to freedom,
but passively waiting is killing my spirit...
a much more dangerous death than my pocket.

verdict

guilty
of being in love.
sentenced
to a lifetime of disappointment.

consequence of light

There are days when I believe that every negative emotion in my body is fighting it's way to the spotlight. As if it needs to compensate for a positive run or great days by beating down every good thing remaining until all showing through my eyes are anger, frustration, and disappointment at the world and everything in it.